Over the past year or so I have slowly but surely lost my confidence and sense of pride in myself. I recognize that it isn’t to be blamed on some occurrence in my life but on my change in perception of myself.
It really hit me how much I’ve changed while in an argument with my husband the other day. He was upset, basically, because he feels I don’t think he and the things he does are good enough. That couldn’t be further from the truth, and honestly it caught me so of guard I got really upset.
Where is this coming from all of a sudden?
After we said our “good night’s” and “I love yous”, I stayed up for a while writing in order to organize my thoughts. I wrote about the past couple of years being difficult and stressful, between lay offs, family dramas, and going from one to four kids in such a short amount of time, it has been rough to say the least. I wrote how in the beginning all was well and we were so lovey dovey and at ease, and how that felt different from the way we are now.
That’s how I realized it wasn’t just all of a sudden. I had been nagging my husband for weeks with things like, “You could be doing this..or you should say this..so and so does this..etc.” My husband is not the best at showing his emotions and it has been difficult with him on the road and all of the crazyness of the past couple years, but he has always and continues to make a great effort for me.
Yet lately, when he finds a moment to do something nice for me I have come back with something along the lines of, “that was so nice baby,” followed by a list of what else he should be doing. No wonder he has been upset, and feeling like he can’t make me happy. Essentially, without saying so, my actions have been telling him he isn’t good enough. I am so upset with myself! How could I make him feel like that?
Why am I acting like a lunatic?
I kept writing. Looking back to a couple years ago compared to now. What’s the difference? Forget the outside stressors. What has changed with me?
I realized back then I was confident, I had pride in myself and who I was and what I did. Three kids ago I was fairly happy with my body image. I used to work and had become accustomed to being self reliant and independant-giving me a fair boost of pride and self-confidence. I always was in control, was able to handle my business, and make things happen.
That’s just not my world anymore. I stay at home with the kids because with four kids under three, my income would only just barely cover the cost of decent childcare. And, truthfully, after three pregnancies my body isn’t the same. Have I done anything about it? No, but I shouldn’t have to change myself just to feel good about myself. I should be healthy, yes-that I need to change, but my self-esteem shouldn’t be dependant on anything I do, or any external source. It should simply be based on how I perceive myself through positive thinking- I mean that’s how I lost my confidence, right? I started viewing myself in a negative way.
I looked back at my blog posts from this past year-most of them have this underlying lack of confidence and pride just hinting from beneath the service of my writing. Not good, not good at all. This started slowly a couple years ago and has turned into this toxic situation where I am constantly picking apart myself-
I’m not being a good enough mom.
I’m not being a good enough wife.
I should be thinner.
I should…I could…I’m not…
To top it all off, unbeknownst to me, it has gotten so bad that I now am projecting all of this onto my husband, my best friend, my partner. Demanding attention constantly from a man that works 70+ hours a week, in a desperate attempt to fix my insecurities I have single handedly alienated him and made him feel inadequate and unhappy.
Not cool. Things cannot continue as they are. My unhappiness is spreading to the ones I love. So how do I go about fixing it?
I have to change how I view myself and here is my plan:
-Think positively about myself in every way.
-Stop worrying about how others view me.
-Write out my positive traits/accomplishments every day.
-Stop comparing myself to others.
-Choose to simply be happy.
I recognize this will take me a little while but I will get there. I will because I want to.
I am beautiful.
I am a good wife and mother.
I don’t have to be perfect.
I am talented and creative.
I am proud of who I am.
I love myself.