Any diagnosis of a serious illness is terrifying-even the possibility can scare the crap out of you. In some ways though, I was actually relieved.
No, I am not happy about having epilepsy, however I am so grateful to know what is wrong with me. The first three doctors I went to treated me like it was all in my head-like I was some over dramatic attention seeker. Do you have any idea how damaging that can be to a person? It really breaks you down.
Finally when we made it to Jackson and they admitted me right away so they could do tests I was so defeated I cried- I was just so grateful they were willing to actually run tests. Nobody else had. I felt like nobody cared.
As I laid in the testing room after the EEG was completed, with the technician removing the wires from my head, I worried that they wouldn’t find anything. That I would be discharged with more questions than I had when I came in. When the neurologist came in, and told me he found something- l laughed. Yea I was so down and so convinced I’d be turned away with nothing. The relief that washed over me was shocking.
Now as I sit here and wait, counting down the days until I go back to Jackson, I find myself afraid. Yes, I was happy-relieved to get the initial diagnosis but it doesn’t just end there. More answers are needed, more tests need to be done. I have even more questions. Will I have another seizure even on the meds? What caused my epilepsy? Will I ever be able to drive again? The questions go on and on.
I have no choice but to stay strong, be patient, and keep faith that everything is going to be alright.